You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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