How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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