What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
