Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Sober January is a disaster.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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