Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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