i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
