I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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