bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
