I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
