At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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