Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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