Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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