Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Randomize
