4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Screwed.edu
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
