new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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