Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
