he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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