my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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