I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
we're so committed to being not committed
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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