my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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