apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
