I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
