I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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