these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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