This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
