I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
