I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
