Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize