i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
