tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
