oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
another moral hangover. fuck.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
