Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if only i could text you this smell
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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