I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
