i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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