my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
