They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize