When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
