Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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