After last night, I could never be a politician.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dignity is for republicans.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
cat food counts as protein by the way
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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