i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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