I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
