I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize