Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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