i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
