Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
