You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
