I didn't shave. On purpose
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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