VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
