cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
