I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
