dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
