I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
