in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize