So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
