he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize