Nicole vs. Life
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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