The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
