Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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