I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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