He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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