I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
