sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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