my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
